Grieving the loss of the mother I wanted to be. My journey with postnatal depression & anxiety

I got my period this morning and it made me cry. 

I'm not trying to have a baby. I'm 42, my "baby" is 13 and I have adult daughters. My days of newborns and nappies are done. But something happened that I wasn't expecting. 

I am grieving

But I'm not grieving the loss of a baby. I'm grieving the loss of the kind of mother I wanted to be and I'm never going to get the chance to do this again. To do it differently with all the knowledge I have now. 

All I had ever wanted was to be a mum. I had no plans for any kind of career or travel. I wanted to settle down, get married and have a family. I dreamed about the type of mum I would be. I wanted to be a stay at home mum, making home made baby food and going for long walks. I would be the kindy mum and volunteer in the canteen. I had it all planned out. 

After suffering from PCOS and having a cyst removed which left scarring on one Fallopian tube when I was 20, I was told it was unlikely I would...

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