I Didn’t Know.

I didn’t know
I could feel so tired
I might think I was slipping away.

I didn’t know
that the absence of sleep
could hollow out the edges of my life,
making every small thing feel impossible.

I didn’t know
that six months on,
the exhaustion would still sit heavy in my bones,
an ache no nap could heal.

I didn’t expect
the doctor to call it "normal,"
this quiet unraveling.

I didn’t expect
the fear,
the intrusive thoughts that gripped my heart,
whispering all the ways
my baby could be hurt, could be lost.

I didn’t know
how many other mothers sat awake in the dark,
thinking the same terrible thoughts,
holding the same silent griefs.

But they do.

And still, the world turned,
expecting me to smile,
to move forward,
to return to who I was before.

But who I was is gone.

My body has changed.
My mind has changed.
Even my name has changed.

I am now "Mum."

And though I am changed,
I am not broken.

I am remade,
stronger, softer,
woven with threads of a love
that has no end.

~ Jo ~